LifeOnTheFarm.farm

Author: Bjørge

  • The Closed-Loop Agricultural Biosurveillance Study: Field 106-ZA

    The soil was ready. But was the story?

    Location: Erikstadveien, Vestby kommune
    Surface Area: 106 daa (10.6 hectares)
    Primary Crop: Grass for hay (Grovfôr)
    Funding: Public agricultural subsidy, Zone 1 classification

    Phase I: Seeding Conditions & Weather Risk

    Seeding began under unstable meteorological conditions. Rain was forecasted for three consecutive days, with nighttime temperatures dropping to +4°C. This combination presents a high-risk window:

    • Seeds may begin to absorb moisture without sufficient soil warmth to trigger safe germination
    • Heavy rainfall may result in erosion or seed washout
    • Cold nights can delay root development and increase fungal susceptibility

    A control patch has been designated and will be monitored daily with the intensity of a thousand lab coats.

    Phase II: Hay Nutritional Evaluation

    Excess supply. Limited mouths. Where does the rest go?

    Upon harvest, we will assess:

    • Protein and sugar levels in hay
    • Biomass yield versus seed input
    • Nutritional value for equine consumption

    The results will determine whether this hay is premium horse cuisine—or dry lawn filler.

    Phase III: Manure Dump Impact Zone

    The oak knows

    Frequent manure dumping observed beneath a protected oak zone prompted a sub-study. We are monitoring:

    • Soil chemistry and pH fluctuation
    • Insect activity around decay areas (hello, buzzing data!)
    • Fungal growth, odor migration, and potential runoff risk

    Because what goes into the horse must come out—and sometimes ends up in your water table.

    Phase IV: Stream Flow & Trout Spawning

    What flows in… doesn’t stay in.

    Downstream of the field lies a sensitive aquatic habitat where trout spawn annually. We are conducting:

    • Water testing (nitrogen, phosphate, turbidity, pH)
    • Macroinvertebrate sampling as bioindicators
    • Egg presence and behavior logs during spawning season

    Because trout don’t have lawyers, but they deserve clean water.

    Phase V: Economic Feasibility Study

    Tracked input. Untracked output.

    We compared the current hay-growing strategy to alternative crops such as wheat. Findings:

    Grass (Hay):

    • Seed Cost: NOK 7,155
    • Subsidy: NOK 5,300
    • Income: Internal use only
    • Net Gain: -NOK 1,855

    Wheat (Hypothetical):

    • Seed Cost: NOK 11,660
    • Subsidy: NOK 5,300
    • Yield Value: NOK 181,260
    • Net Gain: NOK 174,900

    However, wheat requires additional infrastructure (harvesters, storage, sanitation) which may be a barrier. This suggests grass is chosen for simplicity, not efficiency—or perhaps just for peace of mind and fewer moving parts.

    Phase VI: Informal Market Dynamics

    While wheat offers higher net profit, hay remains the preferred choice in many cases due to flexibility in handling, local market use, and less reliance on centralized infrastructure.

    “When operations go too deep and no one knows who owns the shovel.”
    — A glimpse into untracked labor, informal leasing, and buried accountability.
    • Simplified logistics: Hay can be baled and stored without needing complex transport or drying systems.
    • Private sales: Often exchanged directly between local farmers or stables.
    • Flexible pricing: Quality is often judged visually or based on familiarity rather than strict grading.
    • Seasonal pacing: Hay can be stored and distributed over time.

    Nearby farms in the area demonstrate that wheat can be grown even without owning harvest machinery, using mobile contractors. This highlights that the decision to grow hay may involve other local, logistical, or preference-based factors.

    In some cases, patterns of overproduction may also be observed—where hay is grown in excess of livestock needs, sold off privately, while additional feed is still purchased and written off as an expense. If coupled with inflated livestock declarations, this method may enable unregistered sales income alongside reported operational losses.

    Hay, in this context, serves a purpose beyond just yield—it can become a tool of financial maneuvering within the boundaries of perceived normalcy.

    Legal & Ethical Statement

    This study is conducted by a private landowner adjacent to the monitored area. All observations are made from legal vantage points, focusing solely on environmental and agricultural phenomena related to publicly subsidized land. No personal or private data is collected.

    Dissemination Plan

    This report will be submitted for pre-review by academic institutions and may be considered for publication. Key findings will also be shared with relevant government agencies responsible for public agricultural subsidies and environmental regulation.

    This is a serious study. And it’s only just begun.

  • Vi Er 500 År Gamle – Og Dette Er Takket?

    Vi har stått her i flere hundre år.

    Sett årstider skifte, stormer herje, og generasjoner komme og gå.

    Vi har sett hester dra vogner, vi har sett mennesker tilbe oss, og vi har sett hvordan de etter hvert begynte å se oss som “bare trær”.
    Men aldri, aldri i våre lange liv hadde vi trodd at vår største fiende skulle bli…

    menneskelig idioti.

    Den moderne “forvalteren”

    En gang i tiden samlet folk seg under oss for ly, visdom og respekt. Nå?

    Nå samles firbente skapninger rundt oss til det som ser ut som en hyggelig dag i skogen. Livet her går sin gang.

    • 🌿  Små, firbente vesener leker rundt oss.
    • 🐴  Hester passerer, sakte og rolig.
    • 🍂  Noen har gjort området til en fast møteplass.Se selv.

    Se selv.

    📌 Video 1: Hesten med føllet

    Livet går videre her ved våre røtter. Noen trives godt i området rundt oss. Naturen finner alltid en måte…

    Vi ser deg.

    Vi har stått her lenge nok til å vite hvordan ting fungerer. Mennesker kommer og går.
    De bygger, ødelegger, roter, angrer, og bygger opp igjen.

    Men vi?
    Vi blir stående.

    Vi observerer.

    📌 Video 2: Lammene som hopper og leker

    Det er alltid liv rundt oss. Noen små skapninger ser ut til å ha det ekstra gøy i vår nærhet. Se selv.

    En beskjed til besøkende

    Vi har overlevd århundrer, og vi håper å stå her i århundrer til.

    Men for å sikre det, vurderer vi en liten oppdatering:

    📌 Et skilt.

    Ja, vi gamle eiker har bestemt oss for å hjelpe de stakkars sjelene som aldri ser opp fra mobilen

    med å finne veien hit.

    “Velkommen til de eldgamle eikene! Vi har stått her i over 500 år. Kom gjerne og beundre oss… og nyt synet av hvordan vi lever i harmoni med omgivelsene våre.”

    Hvem vet? Kanskje noen stopper opp, tar inn synet, og legger merke til noe interessant. Men vi sier ingenting.

    Vi bare står her.

    Observerer.

    Venter.

    📍 Kart og veibeskrivelse:
    Fordi noen trenger GPS for å finne sin egen nese.

    https://nin-faktaark.miljodirektoratet.no/naturtyper/?id=NINFP2010038645
    https://nin-faktaark.miljodirektoratet.no/naturtyper/?id=NINFP2010038647

    📹 Flere videoer og oppdateringer kommer snart!

    Vi er her. Vi ser alt. Og vi lurer på…

    Ser du det også?

    For more details about our history, visit the dedicated page for the oaks:
    ➡️ Ekene Vår – 500 Års Tålmodighet

  • Mission: Save Baby Bjørge (Feat. Human Panic Mode)

    A thrilling tale of life, death, and one man handling a tiny bird like it was a live grenade.

    The Scene of the Crime

    This is when things went from tragic… to absolutely ridiculous.

    It all started with a murder attempt.
    Not mine—I’m too fast. But my tiny, clueless baby? Not so much.

    I was out for my morning patrol when I heard screams.
    Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Bjørge, aren’t you overreacting? Birds scream all the time.”
    No. This was different.

    I raced to the scene and found my kid getting WRECKED by the neighborhood delinquent: a skjære (magpie).
    Now, I respect the hustle of stealing shiny things, but attempted murder at my doorstep? That’s a war crime.

    The magpie dive-bombed my baby, slammed it into the balcony, and continued its WWE-style beatdown right in front of the human’s house.

    THEN—BOOM!
    The human, in his infinite wisdom, saw what was happening and did the most logical thing:

    HE SLAMMED HIS HAND AGAINST THE WINDOW LIKE A MAN TRYING TO SCARE OFF DEBT COLLECTORS.

    The magpie, shook to its core, fled like it had just seen a ghost.
    My baby, however, lay there… completely motionless.

    The Human Meltdown Begins

    The Human Meltdown Begins

    This is when things went from tragic… to absolutely ridiculous.

    Step 1: Enter Full Panic Mode
    The human stared at my baby, trying to process what had just happened.
    You could see the wheels turning in his brain, except they were square-shaped and on fire.

    Step 2: “I NEED GEAR!”
    Instead of just picking up my poor kid like a normal person, the human went into full biohazard containment mode.

    🔹 RAN to the garage like he was about to defuse a bomb.
    🔹 Dug through piles of forgotten equipment looking for a cage that probably hadn’t seen daylight since the Viking Age.
    🔹 Put on thick rubber gloves, as if my tiny baby was carrying the plague.

    I was screaming at him (“JUST PICK IT UP!”), but all he heard was “chirp chirp.”
    So instead of saving my child quickly, he wasted a solid 10 minutes preparing like he was about to perform open-heart surgery.

    When he finally returned, my baby had stopped struggling.
    Not because it was dead.
    But because it had lost the will to live after witnessing this absolute circus.

    The Emergency Hotline & The Ultimate Decision

    Finally, the human placed my baby inside the cage (like he was capturing a wild tiger) and did the unthinkable:

    He called for backup.

    Enter: Jonas.
    The local hunter. The bird expert. The voice of reason in a world of nonsense.

    Jonas, cool as always, gave him a number for bird rescue.
    And THEN came the moment of truth:

    They agreed that if my baby was too weak to survive, Jonas would handle things in a way that was… final.
    (Translation: The human was too emotionally fragile to make the tough call, so he outsourced the decision.)

    But guess what?
    THE BABY WAS A WARRIOR.
    Despite looking like it had just been thrown out of a tornado, it started to move, eat, drink.

    And the human? He just sat there, watching. Waiting. Muttering things about “hoping it would be okay” like a worried dad at a kid’s soccer game.

    The Big Release – A Comeback Story

    The next day, something amazing happened.
    The baby woke up feeling like Rocky Balboa after training in the mountains.

    It was jumping, flapping, ready to go.
    The human, now emotionally invested, hesitated.
    What if it’s not ready?
    What if it falls?
    What if it doesn’t even say goodbye??

    But my baby had had enough.
    The second that cage door opened—BOOM.
    It shot out like a missile, straight toward the legendary oak trees.

    I could hear the human gasp behind me, probably wiping a tear, whispering,
    “Fly, my child. Be free.”

    I swear, if he had violin music, he would have played it.

    And the best part?
    The baby landed right on a 600-year-old oak tree, the same ones that have survived wars, storms, and now, human incompetence.

    🎬 BONUS VIDEO – A Mother’s Victory Lap 🏆

    Like an action hero returning after the final battle, I swooped in with my baby, back at the birdhouse where it all began.
    And what did I do?

    I fed my little warrior. Right there.
    A proper motherly flex.

    For all the magpies watching, this was my way of saying:
    “Nice try. Better luck next time, losers.”

    For the human watching from the window?
    He was probably whispering “I helped raise that one.”
    (Spoiler: No, you didn’t. But thanks for the dramatic rescue.)

    This is the real ending to our story.
    Not just survival—a full-circle moment of triumph.

    🔥 The comeback is complete. The chaos is over. The legend lives on. 🔥

    (Until the next disaster… Stay tuned.) 😆

    🔴 The Red Bird Prophecy – A Funeral, a Suspicious Spot, and a Human Who Attempted CPR on a Bird 🔴

  • 🔴 The Red Bird Prophecy – A Funeral, a Suspicious Spot, and a Human Who Attempted CPR on a Bird 🔴

    There are days when I, Bjørge the Mighty, feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

    It all started with a mysterious crime scene – a poor red bird lying flat on the deck, its feathers scattered like the aftermath of a feathery bar fight. No wounds. No signs of struggle. Just… gone.

    Now, a normal human would probably say,
    “Oh no, what a shame,”
    and move on with their day.

    But not my human.

    No, no.
    He saw the lifeless bird and his inner medic kicked in.

    Because, ladies and gentlemen, this man – with actual medical training – tried to resuscitate the bird.

    🤲 Held it gently. Checked for signs of life.
    👂 Listened for a heartbeat (on a bird…).
    💨 Considered mouth-to-beak (but thank God, stopped himself).
    🚨 Briefly thought about calling for professional help.

    And when all else failed?

    👉 Held an emergency funeral – digging a tiny grave like he was conducting the world’s smallest Viking burial.
    👉 Muttered something dramatic about ‘respect for nature’ while looking over his shoulder, probably expecting the ghost of the red bird to haunt him.
    👉 Planted a young oak tree over the grave – a noble gesture, but let’s be real… that tree now carries serious baggage.

    But the weirdest part?
    This was only the beginning.

    Because just hours later, something way bigger happened.

    🆘 Something went down. A rescue mission. A frantic human. A baby bird.

    A scene so chaotic that I can’t even describe it in one post.

    Which is why you’ll have to wait until Sunday to hear the full story. 😏

    (Hint: It involves an old cage, a ladder, and a grown man handling a baby bird like it was a ticking time bomb.)

    Stay tuned.

    https://www.nationalgeographic.com

  • Bjørge – Identitetskrise, TV-kjendis og… et mystisk tall?

    Da jeg først ble kjent med Bjørge, var jeg overbevist om én ting: Dette var en tøff kar. En uredd hakkespett med attitude, en skapning som taklet livets utfordringer med nebb og klør (bokstavelig talt). Og selvfølgelig måtte han ha et navn som matchet dette badass imaget.

    Så hva gjorde jeg?

    Jeg stjal navnet fra en legendarisk TV-karakter fra Charterfeber. Ja, Bjørge – en mann med like mye kaos i blikket som han hadde historier fra Gran Canaria.

    Og hva skjer? Jo, etter måneder med stolthet over å ha en skikkelig røff og tøff hakkespett-kompis, måtte naturen komme og sette meg på plass.

    Bjørge er en hunnfugl.

    Ja. Det stemmer.
    Alt dette snakket om “mannemann”, den selverklærte skogenes hersker – og så viser det seg at hun er en dame.

    Det ironiske? Hun har alltid vært der, hakker løs, observerer kaoset fra avstand, og har sikkert ristet på hodet av mine feilslutninger hele veien.

    Men vent – det blir verre

    For å gjøre hele situasjonen enda mer surrealistisk, skulle jeg laste opp et bilde av Bjørge til bloggen. Hva skjer?

    Bredden på bildet havner helt tilfeldig på 666 piksler.

    Hva betyr dette?!

    • Er Bjørge en hemmelig overvåker av all urettferdighet i nabolaget?
    • Er hun en overjordisk entitet sendt for å avdekke sannheten bak kaoset?
    • Eller er dette bare skjebnens måte å ydmyke meg ytterligere på?

    Jeg vet ikke.
    Men én ting er sikkert: Jeg har null kontroll over noe som helst.

    Så her er vi – jeg har en hunnfugl med et mannsnavn, en potensiell numerologisk kode skjult i bildene hennes, og en følelse av at jeg burde vært litt mer oppmerksom på naturens detaljer før jeg begynte å gi fugler personlighetstrekk fra reality-TV.

    Og for de av dere som tenker: “Men vent, hvordan fant du egentlig ut at Bjørge var en hun?”

    Vel…

    Det er en historie for en annen gang. 😉

  • Bjørge’s Daily Chaos – Life on the Farm Begins!

    🐦 By Bjørge, the Great Spotted Woodpecker, Supreme Ruler of the Farm

    Good morning, peasants!

    It is I, Bjørge, your beloved (and slightly unhinged) farm mascot. You may think life on the farm is peaceful, a charming little paradise tucked away in the countryside. But let me tell you something—this place is CHAOS. And I, of course, am at the center of it all.

    Morning Duties: Peck, Eat, Supervise

    My day starts early, just before sunrise. I sit at my Royal Feeding Throne (a.k.a. the bird feeder) and observe the strange activities of the creatures below. The human, who refills my glorious banquet, seems to think I’m just here for the sunflower seeds. Fool. I’m also running surveillance on all suspicious movements in the area.

    From my high vantage point, I keep an eye on my kingdom—trees, the road, certain humans (who shall not be named yet), and anything that dares trespass into my domain. Squirrels? Annoying little acrobats. Magpies? Too chatty. Random cats? Disgusting.

    Farm Life and the Struggle for Power

    The humans who “own” this farm seem completely unaware that I am the one in charge. They go about their days, making noise, driving around, and occasionally staring at the sky as if something profound is happening. Meanwhile, I must manage diplomatic relations with the other birds, defend my feeder from invaders, and maintain my reputation as the loudest, most dramatic creature around.

    Suspicious Activity Report

    Now, I’m not saying I have reason to be suspicious, but let’s just say some certain individuals have been acting odd lately. I’ve noticed movements on the neighboring land, an increase in vehicle activity, and some highly questionable behavior near the fence line.

    But alas, I am merely a woodpecker. A handsome, intelligent, all-powerful woodpecker—but a woodpecker nonetheless. So, I shall continue to observe, report, and, if necessary, unleash my mighty pecking wrath.

    Coming Soon: More Chaos!

    My next report will include updates on food shortages (aka the humans being lazy with refilling my feeder), my battle against the magpies, and my ongoing investigation into The Mystery of the Moving Objects. Stay tuned, my loyal subjects!

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some extremely important pecking to do. End transmission.

    📸 Bonus: A video of myself gracefully eating sunflower seeds 🐦

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